Author Archives: minlit

About minlit

Practising surrealist, self-confessed cat-lover, designer of greeting cards, writer of haiku, mother of two, wife of one. Can't stand lettuce.

It Came From…..BEYOND THE HEDGE!!

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The Ginger Cat keeps a solitary vigil. Waiting. Watching. Never knowing when it will return. He bears the scars of one who defends the realm…. etc etc.

Yes, Mr Stripey Pants is sitting on the table in the back yard again. The above is something like the voice-over I imagine in his head. I’ve pieced the picture together from a series of Lemony Snickets (unfortunate events).

1. The ongoing contact lens saga, which were due for a routine check up at 9.30am GMT yesterday.

2. The dawn altercation (time estimated. Incident happened between alarm call at 6.am and ready-for-vet time at 9am).

3. The finding of aforementioned Ginger Cat on his day bed, criss-crossed with facial cuts, a split rear paw and a generous selection of other contusions.

4. Today’s extra-intense hedge-staring marathon.

He’s getting too old for this job. He really needs to let Zizou help out with the border patrols. But I guess it may be difficult for Stripey to explain to Zizou why he must sit motionless on the back table all day….

On the bright side though, I’m now officially eligible for a season ticket to the vets.

Happier, More Relaxed Days on the Back Table

Happier, More Relaxed Days on the Back Table

 

Upgrading the Mogs to Chip & Paw Devices

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I don’t know if I’ve mentioned here, but Mr Stripey Pants has been wearing contact lenses for a couple of months now. It’s a long story, totaling more than £1200 so far.

But it involves, we suspect, nightly encounters with the ginger now known as ASBO (for non-UK peeps, that’s someone with an anti-social behaviour order…curfew/criminal record thingy).

Also, I was getting fabulous new works of kitty opera composed at 3am on the theme of Mexicat Standoffs.

So, we decided to improve their hardware, and have got one of those snazzy new catflaps that scans them on the way in. Only recognised chips allowed in. You set it to learn mode and it remembers the next chip that goes through it. Apparently, and I quote the instruction manual, ‘No amount of waving your cat at the flap will work.’ They have to pass through it.

But then, Mojo wasn’t scanning. Turns out, after about 10 years of assuming he came chipped, that he really didn’t! So, we took the first strapachiptomy appointment we could get, but unfortunately, that was at least four inward attempts too late and Mojo now thinks the new catflap has it in for him.

So I’ve spent the last 10 minutes on my knees, whistling out the cat flap in an attempt to get him to come round from the back door and realise that it’s not purrsonal.

I leave you with this vaguely prophetic image that Mojo and I made last year…..

Image

What Would Your Cat Invent?

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Dear all,

I am currently serving my time in the fortress of solitude, paying for my straying crimes, as previously remarked upon by the uncommonly wise Toko Cat. I know she will forgive me eventually.

I am currently doing some research, and maybe you can help me?

If your cat were to invent something, what would it be? I mean, I know that a better mousetrap, and a remote control can opener are going to be top of everyone’s list, but what other nefarious devices would our feline companions create, given the use of a tool shed and possibly opposable thumbs?

Answers on a catflap, please….

Dealing with Strays

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Many of you will have dealt with the issue of straying over the years. I myself have spent many days and weeks worrying over my strays, wondering if they would ever return.

I have therefore decided to put forward a few suggestions that you may find helpful in keeping on top of those pesky wanderers.

1. Remove all access to the outdoors. Doors, windows and other large apertures such as chimneys should all be blocked up.

2. Keep calm and stay put. Stay on top of the problem, literally. Do not be tempted to get up, even if nature calls. These are prime opportunities for the stray to slip past your security detail.

3. See if the local surgery will chip them for you. That way if they do get out, at least they can be returned. Some will also voluntarily wear identifying tags, I have noticed, but they seem to have a preference for shiny metals and sparkles.

4. Ensure that ALL items of clothing are well covered in hair. For some reason, they don’t like going out this way.

There are also some steps you can take once a stray has returned to make them less likely to do so again. The key one is to ignore them. This response works cumulatively (in theory at least), and I do not know exactly how many treatments are required.

I hope this helps some of my concerned feline friends to manage their strays. However, if it is any consolation, I understand that it is only under exceptional circumstances that they don’t come back. The rest will return and beg for your unconditional forgiveness at some stage. Hold out. Don’t make it too easy for them.

Sincerely,

Toko Cat.

Pet Census / Street Stats

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There are 17 houses on our street.

There are 4 dogs and 8 cats.

There are 39 people (12 kids).

There are 21 cars. I’d hazard a guess and say there are at least 43 mobile phones and 4 tablet devices.

But back to the animals – that’s a total of 51 ‘official’ residents (no figures available for foxes, rodents, birds and hedgehogs etc)

That’s approx 20% accounted for animal inhabitants (of which, our 5 is a fair chunk)

What’s my point?

Dunno.

People aren’t as dominant as they think?

Tesco would notice if the pets spent their money elsewhere?

No point really. Just interested.

What are your street stats?

 

A Cautionary Tail

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Ha-Haaaa! It is I! Moriarty the Moustermind. Tremble all ye who cannot abide mice, for I shall abide with thee – and for much longer than was previously thought possible in a house with five cats.

Consider this my soliloquy, cos all criminal mousterminds deliver those right? Hmm. Just before their demise…..Hey, who’s writing this thing? Have you no aptitude for crime?

Hah, soliloquy my ears. No way, Jose. I’m not walking in to that mousetrap. Have you ever seen a member of the elite wanted list survive a soliloquy? Nuh-uh.

So, here are some pictures. My tail, and other things that look a bit like my tail (but aren’t) that still make everyone think of my tail now.